I have in recent weeks been bragging to my partner that my tablet-taking skills are second to none, demonstrating how many I can get down my gullet in one go, like a boaconstrictor swallowing six pigeons.
I came undone last weekend. I was taking my after-lunch tablets, and was up to the acetyl-L carnitine - I always leave it until last and gulp it solo – it’s a whopper and deserves to be treated with respect. I don't know how it happened, but I choked on it. I’m not talking about the choking where you splutter and things sort themselves out. I’m talking about proper choking: complete airway obstruction and ungraceful neck grasping.
I leapt from my daybed and turned the water-filter on, thinking to get some water. I started to feel faint – I'm familiar with this feeling and can estimate how long I have until I pass out. I thought maybe 15 seconds. Apparently orthostatic issues don't combine well with choking. Water from the filter gushed pointlessly down my legs and over my feet, and it occurred to my unoxygenated brain that if I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t drink.
My partner had his back to me, doing dishes at the sink with the tap on, and I couldn’t get his attention because I couldn’t make a sound. He would’ve assumed I was still on the daybed. I rushed towards him and grabbed his shoulder. He turned and saw my face turning from bright red, to blue, and shouted with terror, “What do I do? What do I do?”
I couldn’t answer, just clutched at my throat in a deranged manner. His CPR training kicked in and he belted me five times on the upper back, and when that didn’t work, successfully executed the Heimlich Manoeuvre with textbook aplomb.
Afterwards I was perfectly fine, though sore from being thumped. My lovely rescuer was freaked out, but found comfort in chocolate and double-checking the first aid book. The surreal interruption to domestic life was over as swiftly as it began; within ten minutes I was on the phone to my brother, advising him to choose the Sony Ericsson over the Nokia mobile phone.
I told you I like weekends – imagine if I’d have been home alone? I’d have had to throw myself over a chair like Liz Lemon on 30 Rock.
3 comments:
That post and video is hilarious! Written with such dramatic aplomb and humour. Keep them rolling off those little fingers greenwords. xoxoxox
In a sitcom this would be funny.
I am horrified that you almost choked to death - literally - and think that fine partner of yours deserves a medal.
I am off to learn the Heimlich maneouvre.
x
ooh that was nasty... what a shocking thing to happen. Glad you are ok!
I always worry about falling asleep while sucking a throat losenge when lying in bed then choking on it later, or inhaling it while coughing of something... i am surprised more tablet related accidents don't happen really!
I did learn how to do the H manouvre once, but think i need to brush up on it too...
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